the here + now

When God asks you to do something it usually starts gently. You hear it or maybe feel it. But when you refuse to do what He asks of you, He doesn't just say "ok, you're probably right, nevermind, I'll find something else for you" Nope. He asks again. And again. And again. And again. And again. With that I have no fancy words, but I'll be stepping back from social media. When things get hard, I get lost in it, instead of God.  Which it doesn't fill me but drains me & makes it harder to be the best wife, mother....and everything else needed to be. So I'm taking a break for 40 days from facebook & twitter & instagram. I may still blog, but I might not. I don't know. But stepping away is necessary for right now. 

There's a picture in my head. A group of children running & a little sibling falling far behind. Whining for them to slow down.  And that whiny child is me. Fall is such a beautiful time.  --- I know, I know, it's technically not fall yet, but I always consider it fall once the kids start back to school.--- It's a time to get back into a routine, to start feeling like life has a little more order. But truth be told I just want a pause button. Like, wait, let me pause life & get everything cleaned and organized and catch up on sleep and spend more time with Jesus. Instead life just keeps going.  And I'm left whiny, wait, I'm falling behind.  The master bedroom is so neglected, it has becoming the storage room. The kitchen floors are sticky. The baseboards are covered in dog hair. The carpets have stains & I swear I'm just going to rip it all up. The walls are still without the paint they desperately need. And my hair looks like a rat...

At the beginning of summer I was a little freaked out. Five kids in the house all day, everyday. Ages from 17-almost 2. I talked to other moms & prayed. My motto for the summer became "summer is for fun"  It was something easy, simple & so true to keep my heart where it was suppose to be.  Unfortunately the days of swimming were much fewer than I anticipated.  Running around to appointments instead took place. Summer swept in quickly & left just as quick. And now I have 3 kids in school and just the two toddlers for about 5 hours. The truth about this, it's like a long deep breath. I see people posting that they're sad school is starting already.  I'm not. I mean, I'm not looking forward to homework, but  I LOVE the routine of it all.  Summer is so loosy-goosy.  Fall is getting back into routine & habit and that's something this planner loving mama looks forward to.  And hopefully my house can hav...

A little over a year ago my husband's grandma took my sister in law & me to tjmaxx to pick out a few things. Somehow Sierra, my sister in law, talked me into getting some bright pink yoga pants. I mean, they are fun. I brought them home. I tried them once. Oh no no no. Big girls should not wear bright colors. And not just a big girl, but girls, like me where their booty has it's own gravitational force. So the pants have just waited, sitting up on the shelf. But yesterday my normal running pants were in the wash. The bright pink pants just stared at me, silently saying "just wear me" And so I did. And guess what? I loved them. They are so nice to run in! So this big girl is going to keep wearing these bright pink pants. 

"Ewww gross I am so fat" "I can't stand the way my nose looks" "I'm going to stop eating so I can lose 10 pounds" And it goes on and on.  These things we say. And we wonder why our girls, our nieces, granddaughters, the neighbor girl, ourselves all struggle. We don't just mildly struggle, it's something big. As a mother I have to think about what my girls are hearing and seeing. Am I raising them to hate themselves, to make them see they are less -than, that they are too round or loud or ....... I am. I am not raising them with a full self-esteem, but to live in a cycle of trying to lose weight ---> stop trying ---> self-hatred. It's a wicked cycle. It's something they see & hear. And what do children do --- they watch closely. Those words I speak about myself, it implants in their minds & hearts. My beautifully perfect little girls will start to believe there is something wrong with the beautiful pi...

We were at cheer practice. The three year old was being her little wild self. I actually love age three more than age two. Their personality is bursting through, they can talk more, communication doesn't seem like you're walking into a wall. A little more independent. There is also more orneriness, or maybe that's just for the Shannon kids. It was hot. But I had a friend to talk to. A friend who inspires me to be a better mom, always. And not in the yucky comparison way, but in a good way. Addie, the three year old, decided running into the street/parking lot sounded like a great idea. Over and over and over. And she stepped in. For a bit she was my arms. She swooped my girl up and held her. I got a break. This is community in motherhood. She wasn't judging me, she was just there.  Let's do this more. Let's step in. Let's surround other moms with encouragement & extra arms. 

I went a good month planning on how I was going to quit the internet. Instead I rebranded. And whether or not I'll quit in the future may or may not happen. The days are long and exhausting. My calendar boxes are almost bursting. There is little space to add in more appointments & places to go. This is the life of a mom + the extra title of "foster mom" There are days I feel like I'm drowning in it all. How can I be me when it all goes out to them. Breathing. Just breath. Keep going. Take it day by day. I take deep breaths while running.  I breathe deeply on the slow walk to the mailbox. I take a good long deep breathe before I let myself cry and allow myself to feel the weight. Learning to take those moments for deep breaths has allowed me to go into a new direction, to remember the calling & to re-focus.  But most importantly I'm learning to breathe in more of Jesus. To allow Him to fill those spots. That my prayers don't need to be elo...