the here + now

I was missing out. Like hardcore, zoned out. I have selective hearing, I'm honest about it. When life gets too much it's just been habit for me to get on my phone and tune my people out. Tune out their wants, needs, silliness, heartbreak, loudness, singing.....all of it. I was missing cuddle times, and tender heart to hearts with my bigs, I was missing when teen really needed my full attention & that the toddlers would be less crazy when I was more engaged. I was missing real conversations with my husband. I wasn't any less busy. Yes I stepped away from tweeting for Thrive Moms & the prayer team (I'm back to the latter) and I stopped posting pictures and 140 character thoughts, but my life wasn't less busy. There were still times of waiting, appointments to drive to, children's game, evenings of falling totally exhausted into bed, hurts & pains to tend to, endless laundry and dishes to do. My life, during this time, will always be busy. Stepping aw...

I'm sitting in a room with my husband and two other couples. Not just couples, but our friends we sit with every Sunday at church. We finally started a small group. These women are the type of women I want to surround myself with. They love Jesus, they love their kids, they are peaceful & gentle. They have their messy stories. "Give one high & one low from your week" Ok I can do this. Wait. There's a lot of lows. Like I could share about the meltdown I had in my closet before coming where I cried out to Jesus asking Him to bring me home because I'm just no good at this wifey/mommy/foster mom/every one else I try to be thing. Or maybe how I fake yelled outside (I live in the suburbs, I for real yell and people will wonder) the other day because I had it with disrespect from children and I was sick of having to parent. Or how I struggle daily with being a joyful mom. Ok, I'll just let everyone else answer first. Husband just said his high was...

1. Learn to go with the flow. Sometimes lunch looks like grabbing food from mcdonalds after therapy while trying to get to the next appointment. 2. There are all types of books & blog posts about "How to be ready" read those but know curveballs come & just like everything else in life, you'll never be truly ready 3. There are hard days. Like so hard you're not sure if you can make it. Keep going. Joy is coming. 4. There are days that make you feel like you were made for this. This is your thing. Sit there, enjoy it, savor it. 5. Be ready for the "my mom does it this way" type phrases, they are not always meant to hurt you, sometimes this is just how children say "I just want my mom right now" ////Any questions? If I can I'd love to answer them for you.

My daughter, Olivia, has this best friend. They are so different. Olivia is shy & emotional. Her friend is outgoing and confident. They are different, but are teaching me so much about friendship that I have lost along the way. To care deeply. Not just surface stuff, but the tender stuff. They remind me that when feelings get hurt it's ok to cry and talk about it, even show that one is hurt. And to forgive quickly.  Friendship as adults for so many women seems to become so hard, at times impossible. It's not as easy as walking down the hall to talk before class. To to the corner to see your best friend. It's intentional.  It's texting just to check in. It's actually making time, even if children are running all around your feet, spilling the coffee you're trying to enjoy with your new friend. It's different.  But it's needed. We need people. We need others to say "I've been there" or "I'm ...

When I finally decided to take a social media break I expected things to happen. I expected to be more present with my husband & children, to compare less, to be less exhausted. I expected big things like to get it , whatever it is or was or might be, I don't know. As I started my journey I picked up the book  Hands Free Mama  and it really opened my eyes to my distractions. How choosing the cleaning & checking the number of instagram likes & watching a show I love where things I was choosing over the people in my life. I began to actively choose them over all the other things. It made sense, it makes sense.  But that wasn't the it I was expecting. It was part of the it puzzle, but not the big part I felt like I was missing. That big part had or maybe has to do with God. I haven't reached the it part, instead all my yuck has surfaced. The stuff that I would normally stuff away. The feelings of jealously, and bitterness. Hurts and anger. The confusion. Th...