the here + now

It's running on a road. With it all around. Depression, worry, doubt, fear guilt, shame, confusion, the calendar comparisons, food issues.... It's locking on my feet, at my side, piercing my heart. And then I reach a hand out and grab  a scripture, read a christian book, listen to sermon. Just enough to keep pushing on. I'm barely moving my feet, sometimes it's like spinning, the darkness makes me loose sight of the path.  I end up in fetal position crying over a child's messy room. Feeling scared sitting at the park because other women are there but not Cassie. So I grab some, I reach hard. And I keep moving the feet. Keep pushing. This is non sense. There are two scriptures that God keeps feeding into my heart. Bring light to the darkness & It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away,  t he Counselor  will not come to you; but if I go,  I will send him to you. John 16:7 ...

Years ago I worked at a salon. It was a perfect fit for my gossipy ways. I could gossip all day long & it was completely acceptable. But after working there about a year passed and all the sudden I started having these feelings. I would gossip and then feel gross. What is happening to me. I decided to test it and discovered God was doing a work in me. I started to work on it & soon found out this thing, was a thing for me. Gossip was a yummy, but so very yucky guilty pleasure for me. I started working on it. I shared with my sister in law & a friend how I struggled and how I had been very after gossiping. I began learning about how powerful words are & christian gossip. You know the "we should pray for so & so because they are struggling with this thing you totally should not have shared about them " And then I got invited to a small group. One of the guidelines was not to share what is being shared. I sat there, thinking, there is no way. I don'...

I was around eight years old. My friend was ten. We were in express mart buying junk food.  Because that's just what you're do when you're that age. And then we saw this lady. She was tall, beautiful, had amazing hair & she reminded us of Lisa Lopes from TLC. We were hard core into singing waterfalls, like, all the time.  Except it wasn't our adoration she felt we had or what she heard. Instead she thought we were making fun of her. She turned around pointed that finger at us and nasty words fell all out. I was stunned. We didn't say a word. And that changed how I felt about the black community. That day changed things for me.  My mama taught me to love everyone, no matter what their color. And I tried. Kind of. But fear played a big role. I was afraid to talk to the black girls at school. "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him...." Romans 8:28 She didn't yell at us because she was e...

Weight loss is a funny thing. It's not a you get there and you're done thing. I think that's the part many people struggle with. It's in fact, a constant struggle. There are easier seasons and harder seasons. Seasons of great success & seasons where you have to pick yourself back up and try again. I think that's what I've learned this time. This time because this isn't my first go. Not even my third. More like my 25th. Or something. I don't know, I may be exaggerating a bit. Or maybe not by much at all.  But for people wanting tips here are mine. Start somewhere . Small. Take one meal a day and replace it with healthier choices. Replace 1 soda/pop a day with water. Small. Start somewhere, but make it manageable.  Find the workout you'll do . This just basically means find a workout you won't hate. That doesn't mean you'll love your workout every day, but find a workout you seriously can love and make sure it happens s...

I saw the words come across my screen FOCUS ON YOUTH. The foster care agency. I froze. All the sudden in everything that had happened after L&B left, because, it can't be our lives without something else happening. No down time. No rest. The next thing. I didn't realize how scared I was to say YES again. And yet how scared I was to say no. ((And by the way, we're getting the rest now, kind of)) Doug and I had talked. We were going to wait. Summer is busy. We're going on vacation. Respite too soon after a placement is just not a good idea. I might be back in school. We had real reasons of saying no right now. But I was scared to say yes. We jumped in feet first with L&B and they turned our world upside down in good and for a season not so good ways. We loved. We struggled. We did the things foster parents just do because at the core that's who we are. Yesterday was the first time since they've left that I had that feeling. That feeling you...

---Go pee every chance you get. For me I pee, a lot, more than the average pregnant woman. It's bad. But I've learned that I can take the opportunity to pee or suffer later. ---I need time with Jesus. My flesh has a major attitude and is very selfish. It leaks out all over the place when I'm not with Him. ---People hurt. They just do. People who love Jesus. People who hate Jesus. People who have no opinion on Jesus. People hurt. I have to remind myself to be gentle to others and myself. ---Budgeting is important. Sometimes it's hard being an adult. Budgeting takes time & effort. But is so necessary. ---Dealing with depression is a thing for me. But now I know it's often an attack on my soul & talking to others is helpful. ---Being married isn't about making me happy. It's about us becoming holy. It's about us raising little warriors together . ---Church isn't necessary on your walk. It's not. But I can't imagine doing life...

I woke up. It was quiet. He wasn't in the bed with me. It felt heavily empty. The house felt so quiet. Except for the boy downstairs on his galaxy. I opened the card he left for me. He told me to wait until mother's day & so I did. I cried my eyes out. The day just isn't the same without him. These beauties are gifted to me. I adore them but they also drive me crazy. I feel spoiled being their mama & overly exhausted being their mama.  But the day was just not the same without their daddy. And God was at work. I could have sat there feeling like I spoiled brat or used the brain & heart God gave me. So while I felt in a haze all day, I listened. God opened my eyes to the life of a single mama. I grew up the daughter of a single mama most of my life. But never being a single mama, I can't really understand. Yesterday, I got the tiniest glimpse. Special days don't mean breakfast in bed, they mean making breakfast ...