the here + now

Dear family & friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we force you to love. To open your hearts. To snuggle a little from a broken home. I'm sorry that we expect you to understand. I'm sorry that we want you to feel the fire we feel & when you don't we feel angry. I'm sorry about the possible heartbreak that is coming your way. I'm sorry that you will love & then you are going to hurt. I'm sorry. & I'm sorry that it'll happen again. You had no choice in us becoming foster parents. Your feelings were not of concern. We knew we were called and that was that. But now my heart breaks for you. I'm thankful that you haven't cowered in fear. You've been scared and tiptoed around their lives easily. You will have to answer hard questions to your own children. We love you. We are thankful for you. And we are sorry.

To the man in chick fil a. I know, you don't know her story. You see a mom + a baby with lots of other mom and kids around. When the other kids got there and tried to hug her & hold her. She started crying. Your reaction was "oh, it's not so bad." I know you were just trying to be friendly. I know you just saw a mom and her baby. But that precious brown baby actually does have it t hat bad. This precious baby's life has been turned upside down. Those kids that she saw every day of her life she has now only seen 3 times since December 9th. Those kids who should bring her so much joy are confusing her. Those kids with the very odd interactions. She does have it that bad. But you don't know. I just smiled and nodded but really I wanted to lay it all out for you. I wanted to explain that not all children get to stay with their mommy + daddy and sometimes other mommys + daddys have to step in. I wanted to explain the messiness of foster car...

"Write drunk; edit sober" -Ernest Hemingway I've never actually attempted this, but tonight I am. I've had my wine and if you know me at all it doesn't take much to get my lightheaded & giggly. I'm truly not a Windau (my maiden name) when it comes to my alcohol consumption. I put my catholic roots to shame. I'm ok with that. I'm not a mean drunk, but a purely giggly & say inappropriate thing drunk. Today stung. It stung hard. Last Tuesday we got a call for a little 5 month old baby. Technically we got a call for 4 boys but for reasons that I will not share, we could only say yes to little guy. And then there was waiting. And more waiting because our agency couldn't find a home for 4 of the little guys, they came from a sibling group of 6. All 6. Boys. That would be headed for permanent custody. In my mind all the things lined up. I had prayed for an orphan. I had been learning about how to bond with a baby in the adoption sens...

It's messy. This life thing. I love the internet, mostly too much. I love being able to talk with other moms. To see their beautiful children. To read what's happening in the heart of other mamas. How Jesus is making them brave. To pray for my foster mama friends. But sometimes it gets too much. See I struggle with distraction + discontentment. Those two breed a disaster when you add in the easy always updating social media world. I can hide in it. I can allow the noise of my phone to hide the whispers from my head, heart & from the Lord. I can escape my struggles. But when I escape I lose connection with the people around me who so desperately need me to be present. To show up. To step out of my comfort. Instagram is not bad. Facebook is not bad. But it's not good either. It can be used for bad. But it can also be used for good. It's a tool, but can also become chains.  I don't want to miss a ga...

I don't know how to just be with God. I can sit and read a devotion and pray for a few minutes. And then I'm done, but resting with God is just unknown. Distraction is the way of life for me. Take a picture. Post it. Snap it. Tweet it. It's this constant flow of photos and thoughts and information and social injustice. The other day I did my devotions and then was praying. When I was done I felt unsatisfied and thought I'd google it. Google. Really, the god of the internet. Over the God of the universe. I thought for a quick second that google would give me the answers quicker than God. God wasn't moving fast enough and my head is fast paced. It's not just social media. It's not just the internet. I find myself being distracted away from God from good things. Christian podcasts, christian music. Books. Cleaning. Helping others. These are all really good things and have places in our lives. Podcasts are great to speak more life into us but Go...

It's running on a road. With it all around. Depression, worry, doubt, fear guilt, shame, confusion, the calendar comparisons, food issues.... It's locking on my feet, at my side, piercing my heart. And then I reach a hand out and grab  a scripture, read a christian book, listen to sermon. Just enough to keep pushing on. I'm barely moving my feet, sometimes it's like spinning, the darkness makes me loose sight of the path.  I end up in fetal position crying over a child's messy room. Feeling scared sitting at the park because other women are there but not Cassie. So I grab some, I reach hard. And I keep moving the feet. Keep pushing. This is non sense. There are two scriptures that God keeps feeding into my heart. Bring light to the darkness & It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away,  t he Counselor  will not come to you; but if I go,  I will send him to you. John 16:7 ...

Years ago I worked at a salon. It was a perfect fit for my gossipy ways. I could gossip all day long & it was completely acceptable. But after working there about a year passed and all the sudden I started having these feelings. I would gossip and then feel gross. What is happening to me. I decided to test it and discovered God was doing a work in me. I started to work on it & soon found out this thing, was a thing for me. Gossip was a yummy, but so very yucky guilty pleasure for me. I started working on it. I shared with my sister in law & a friend how I struggled and how I had been very after gossiping. I began learning about how powerful words are & christian gossip. You know the "we should pray for so & so because they are struggling with this thing you totally should not have shared about them " And then I got invited to a small group. One of the guidelines was not to share what is being shared. I sat there, thinking, there is no way. I don'...