I'm not going to apologize

I'm not going to apologize, don't expect me to.

I'm going to lay it all out.

My feelings, my thoughts.

I'm going to lay it all out.

I'm going to be as real as I can.

I'm not going to put on a facade or a fake {internet} smile.

I realize we are being called this direction.

That this is one of those things.

Those big things.

Where FAITH is the answer.

But it doesn't make it any easier.

Here we are.

Our adoption box is broken.

As it should be.

I cannot put adoption into a box anymore than I can fit God in a box.

As so our options are placed in our faces.

Foster care and then adopt

Or private agency.

I knew before I even talked to my husband about it which way he would be leaning towards.

I knew it.

I kept fighting the thoughts.

But 

I KNEW.

And of course him being such a rock has an answer to everything.

And the reminder that sometimes when God calls us somewhere it seems impossible. It seems scary. 

And that's where I am.

I.AM.SCARED.

Foster Care.

How am I supposed to just allow one of {my} babies go back to the environment they were in?

How am I supposed to just let him or her or them go?

How am I supposed to love them so deeply, have them be family and then let them go?

We were...are...planning to adopt.

But is adopting more important than children.

No, it's not.

I am to be salt and light.

Not some definition.

But I am scared. 

The idea of foster care frightens me.

The system frightens me.

My momma bear instinct frightens me.

And so I know I am going to share feelings that are real, raw, true.

I am not going to apologize for those thoughts and feelings but I do ask for prayer and for helping me to think outside that adoption box my mind created. To help me understand. To help me process. 

I received the foster care/adoption information yesterday. And I don't like it that in order to adopt we have to become foster parents. I don't like that we are going to not only put ourselves through heartache but will be putting Alex, Olivia and Addison through it also. 

Trust. God.

That's what I'm being told.

But how will I handle it.

How am I supposed to help my children handle it.

Oh the what-ifs run through my head.

But the biggest is what-if this is HIS plan for us.

What if.