Difficulty in Forgiveness

{A piece of the story}

I will encourage you to forgive.

To release it from your grasp.

Give it all to God.

That you no longer need to hold on to that and to release yourself.

But sometimes those words are easier said then done.

In my head I know the answers, but in my heart it's a whole different story.

That pain that resides in my heart.

Confusion.

How could someone do that to children?

Why did it take you so long to fight for us? To make the choice to finally leave?

I have so many questions.

I can't seem to fully process this.

For so long I have been open to talk about it, yet to actually deal with the issues.

I just can't do.

How am I suppose to forgive that evil man?

And my mother, my own mother.

The fact that I can't even forgive her creates all kinds of extra emotions.

All I do know right now, is this season,

is that God is right there waiting.

Just waiting to heal me.

To take it all away.

To walk me through forgiving him & my momma.

To take those scars and walk through it all with me.

I know He is big enough to handle all my thoughts and my yuckiness, the hurts, the bitterness.....

I know He is the ONLY one who can take my heart and make it new.

But for now.

I still hold on.

I can't loosen my grip.

I'm still trying to deal with the reality of those 5 years. 

I'm trying to remember good times in that part of my childhood.

I'm trying to allow those dark parts to be opened so that I can fully deal with them.

- - - - - 

As I do.

I will continue to struggle.

I will continue to wrestle with God.

But I know....without a shadow of a doubt 

He isn't leaving my side throughout this.

That even though I am still holding on, He is gently pulling my hands away.