"Mom how old will Addie be when I'm 9?"
"4"
"How old will Addie be when I'm 18?"
"13"
"Do you think I've lived half my life?"
"I surely hope not"
And then.....
Talk about a casual conversation stopper. I started turning in, tuning out. Because the reality is it could be true. I'm 28 x 2 = 56.
I started freaking out, talking myself out of the panic attack that was starting to brew. I couldn't lose it all in front of my innocent 7 year old daughter.
I switched the subject and pretended to move on, but went back to the drowning thinking later.
What have I done with my life? What if I have already lived half my life? I've said hurtful words. I've closed people out. I've made sure to keep those I love at a safe, comfortable distance. I have given too many dirty looks. I've judged. I've been so selfish. I'm a stay at home mom. I've never changed anyone's life. I am still fat.
Talk about drowning in thoughts. This can get and did get very ugly.
But that's not all I've done. I traveled to Mexico when I was 16 to help build a church. I have carried & birthed 3 littles {2 at the same time}, I have fought with my husband to keep our marriage together when it has felt like it was crumbling faster than we could blink, I became a foster mom, I have discovered my humble art of doodling.
It's easy to get lost in the negative thoughts of not doing & being enough.
But today I choose to look at the good. The beautiful. The brave. I may never be a heart surgeon, or adopt 14 little girls. I may never paint a magnificent work of art or fix a dying company.
But I love a God who loves me wholly & who works through this messy heart of mine.
"4"
"How old will Addie be when I'm 18?"
"13"
"Do you think I've lived half my life?"
"I surely hope not"
And then.....
Talk about a casual conversation stopper. I started turning in, tuning out. Because the reality is it could be true. I'm 28 x 2 = 56.
I started freaking out, talking myself out of the panic attack that was starting to brew. I couldn't lose it all in front of my innocent 7 year old daughter.
I switched the subject and pretended to move on, but went back to the drowning thinking later.
What have I done with my life? What if I have already lived half my life? I've said hurtful words. I've closed people out. I've made sure to keep those I love at a safe, comfortable distance. I have given too many dirty looks. I've judged. I've been so selfish. I'm a stay at home mom. I've never changed anyone's life. I am still fat.
Talk about drowning in thoughts. This can get and did get very ugly.
But that's not all I've done. I traveled to Mexico when I was 16 to help build a church. I have carried & birthed 3 littles {2 at the same time}, I have fought with my husband to keep our marriage together when it has felt like it was crumbling faster than we could blink, I became a foster mom, I have discovered my humble art of doodling.
It's easy to get lost in the negative thoughts of not doing & being enough.
But today I choose to look at the good. The beautiful. The brave. I may never be a heart surgeon, or adopt 14 little girls. I may never paint a magnificent work of art or fix a dying company.
But I love a God who loves me wholly & who works through this messy heart of mine.
I love this!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart, the imperfections and simply being real!! :)
ReplyDeleteAmen girl!
ReplyDelete