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Part Five

We packed up the caseworkers car.
We gave her some of her favorite things.
We said good bye and we all cried.

And then we jumped in our car and drove to my mom's in Pennsylvania.
Breathing felt heavy and wrong.
The world was still spinning while my life had just been torn apart.

The moment she left I had decided if I can't be her mom, I will support her aunt the best way I can. That though felt like a knife slowly pushing through my chest.
I'm supposed to be her mom.
I could still hear her voice saying mama and feel the way she would lay on my shoulder.
I could still smell her breathe and feel the texture of her hair.
My life as I knew it was shattered. How do you come back from shattered?

Here's what I know. You don't come back.
The old you is gone.
Once your heart breaks from loss, no matter that loss it changes you.
No matter your heartbreak it's ok to know the old you is gone and now there's a new you.

I felt like a shell of myself. On the outside I was still Katie, but on the inside breathing hurt, looking forward felt like pure negligence of her life. How was I supposed to hope without her. How was I supposed to make plans and smile and fucking be me?

On Thanksgiving day I was somehow supposed to be thankful. All I know is that I ate 3 pieces of pie. And then I got a facetime from Z's aunt and I got to see her.
And then I cried surrounded by my husband, kids, brother, mom and step dad.
I'm not sure really what happened that weekend. It's all a blur.

And that lasted for awhile.

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