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Part One

On December 19th, 2015 sweet baby Z came to us.
She came late, just before midnight.
We were told her name, which was pronounced wrong and that she was a boy. Also we were told 13 months so I assumed a little stumbling around boy.
Instead a woman walked in with a pumpkin seat covered with a pink and black fleece blanket.
First definitely not a boy and second why is she so tiny.
I was so anxious, like dying inside excited, to hold her.
After signing paperwork that felt like F O R E V E R.
The paperwork that's all like "yes I'll keep her safe and get to that 72 hour appointment...."
And then she took her out of that aged pumpkin seat and placed her in my arms and the world stopped.
Stopped hard.
I was no longer myself. I was this new version of who I formally was.
I had to force myself back to earth.
I couldn't dare love her so fiercely, that's like foster care parent death.
And that's exactly what happened.
The old me died. The new me took her place.

The first two weeks we got to know each other.
I would rub her back as she cried in this crib I was placing her in.
This foreign space that she had never been in before.
We cuddled most of the day. And she slept most of it also.
On average she slept for 12 hours and then would take 3-5 naps a day.
That's called trauma.
I had so many people telling me how "lucky" I was to have a toddler sleep so much.
Yes, I'm so lucky to mother a child who wants to escape this world and the only way she knew how was to sleep.

Then we started the work.
There were three things that were important: learning to play with toys, bath times where I didn't end up scratched up and less sleep.

I had to keep reminding myself that she was going home. She wasn't staying. This is not her home. And my heart was being a b word and not listening one single bit.

We didn't hear for weeks what the plan was for her mama.
I was praying for her, but I was also praying justice for this sweet girl and all of her older siblings.

Eventually we were told 6-12 months.
We were still waiting on an ongoing worker, but she would come eventually.


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