Part six is where I tell you I got over it quickly and life became sunshine and unicorns.
Except I'd be lying if I told you that.
Days that I didn't cry felt like I accomplished something truly hard.
The little things would bring tears.
Like the space in the room she once slept in.
Her and Addison shared a room.
Some days I couldn't even walk in there.
It felt so empty, so bare.
It hurt.
But what truly made it hard was Addison.
She struggled sleeping.
Her aunt didn't want to kick us out of the picture so her and Z and then Doug, Addison and me met up for lunch. Z just wanted me to hold her and sobbed when it was time to go. Her aunt and I kept communicating and it hurt with every fiber of my being, but I tried my best to encourage her. And then silence. One day the communication ended. I sent her a text letting her know that if it was too hard for Z to see us I understood if she wanted to end us seeing her but to just let me know. Nothing.
On Christmas day I felt the nudge from God to text her and wish her Merry Christmas. I didn't want to. I was mad God would even ask me to do that. I sent it quickly. That day hurt so much. And I would soon find out, every holiday would hurt. I don't think people knew, but for every holiday after it felt and still feels like pain. My heart still feels unwhole.
Later that day I received a text. She explained why she cut off communication.
The county told her we were trying to sabotage the placement and told her to cut off communication, and then she decided they might be wrong and decided to re start communication.
I decided to read Ann Voscamp's book The Broken Way.
It helped in a way I needed it to.
It didn't give me ways to get over it, but acknowledged how real my pain was.
And then it lead me to the what's next.
Except I'd be lying if I told you that.
Days that I didn't cry felt like I accomplished something truly hard.
The little things would bring tears.
Like the space in the room she once slept in.
Her and Addison shared a room.
Some days I couldn't even walk in there.
It felt so empty, so bare.
It hurt.
But what truly made it hard was Addison.
She struggled sleeping.
Her aunt didn't want to kick us out of the picture so her and Z and then Doug, Addison and me met up for lunch. Z just wanted me to hold her and sobbed when it was time to go. Her aunt and I kept communicating and it hurt with every fiber of my being, but I tried my best to encourage her. And then silence. One day the communication ended. I sent her a text letting her know that if it was too hard for Z to see us I understood if she wanted to end us seeing her but to just let me know. Nothing.
On Christmas day I felt the nudge from God to text her and wish her Merry Christmas. I didn't want to. I was mad God would even ask me to do that. I sent it quickly. That day hurt so much. And I would soon find out, every holiday would hurt. I don't think people knew, but for every holiday after it felt and still feels like pain. My heart still feels unwhole.
Later that day I received a text. She explained why she cut off communication.
The county told her we were trying to sabotage the placement and told her to cut off communication, and then she decided they might be wrong and decided to re start communication.
I decided to read Ann Voscamp's book The Broken Way.
It helped in a way I needed it to.
It didn't give me ways to get over it, but acknowledged how real my pain was.
And then it lead me to the what's next.
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