That's What Hurts

“Write hard and clear about what hurts”

-Ernest Hemingway

Lack of control.

That’s what hurts.

When we choose to make hard decisions.

Those decisions that no matter the decision, it somehow still feels all sorts of wrong.

And then people will react to your hard decision like you grew ten heads that was going to attack them.

That’s what hurts.

Lack of control.

That’s what hurts.

When a child gets removed from your home.

Placed in kinship.

And then heads back into foster care and you are not the first option.

That’s what hurts.

Lack of control.

That’s what hurts.

When life just keeps happening.

People don’t talk about “life happening” in a joyous way

But in an I’m tired and feel just over it kind of way

The kind where every day feels heavy.

That’s what hurts

Lack of control

That’s what hurts

When I can’t form my children into what I want

Because fear gets to me

And being able to see farther is not a human concept

That’s what hurts

Lack of control

That’s what hurts

When the days are long and the years are short

When I know I’m screwing them up

And I’m terrified for my littles to say

“My family is so screwed up”

Yet we say it

T H A T S W H A T H U R T S