Part 11

This is the part where I tell you, honestly, I went through loss again. The same loss in a way and different yet at the same time. I knew in my head how unlikely Z would come back to us. I really understood in my head, because I know how the system works, but in my heart she's my daughter, in my heart she belongs with us. But that's not how things played out. Instead she is with a couple from my home town. I imagined squeezing an extra bed in Addison's room. I imagined re-figuring my life to adjust to a three year old again. But instead I walk around pretty fragile. This time is different though. A year ago I tried so damn hard to speed up the grieving process. I felt so guilty when I couldn't hold it together for my family. And I felt so guilty when seeing toddlers was just too much for me. I just felt so much guilt for the hurt I was enduring. This time, I'm processing healthier. I have a husband + community of women who are speaking life into me, who are giving me space to grieve. 

A few weeks ago we were at small group and we were talking about a failed expectation. I talked about this. How I thought the second time, surely God would make a way for her to stay with us forever, but He didn't. One of our leaders asked if I could see God's hand in it. No, how could I see any good in that. How in the world. Going through the loss of the same child twice. No. 

But now I can.

Now I can see that if I hadn't gone through it again and allowed myself to grieve again I wouldn't have been available for what's next. What's next wouldn't have even been a thought to me.

But now I can say yes.

Yes to this for me and for you and for your sister and daughter and your mother.

Loss. It's so difficult to sort out.

Instead of being encouraged to grieve it out however our little souls need to we're made to feel the need to hide it or cover or just freaking get over it already.

But God. 

But God wants different. 

The rush is not His game.

The redemption is.