my weakness is my honor not my shame

When I was younger I remember the remarks.
"Oh here goes Katie crying again."
Over time I started to learned
to bite my lip or tongue, take a deep breath.
Whatever it took not to let the tears fall.

This went deeper when I experienced a deep grief.
Losing that baby girl.
She was never mine
But oh it felt like that.
During that time
I shamed myself hard for crying months after she was gone.
IF I went a few days without crying I felt like I had accomplished something.

It's a lie that actually made the grief drag on and a therapist had to help me see how much I needed to go deep with that grief, where instead I just let it continue to simmer on the surface.

I still try to hide the crying
because all the things can make me cry.
Watching someone elses child sing a song,
a commercial about an old man passing out chocolate
a song
a feeling
a memory
the present
a friends hug.
I cry.
It's been this thing that feels like my biggest weakness.
This thing I try to hide, too afraid people can't handle it.
But what if maybe it's my strength.
Or it really is my weakness but out of it is where God does the work.
Not for myself but for others and ultimately His glory.