Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Let's break some rules

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I ma the light of the world."
Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with saliva and put it on the man's eyes.
"Go," he told him, "wash in the the Pool of Siloam."
So the man went and washed and came home seeing.

Sometimes we look at Jesus as just this sweet man who took the task of going to the cross for us, but it's so much more. Here Jesus is not acting as a peace-keeper, but a peace-maker. He was making peace in this man's life and showing His disciples that we don't walk around carrying our sins or our parents sins in our humanly difficulties. Peace makers are not everyone's best friends. They piss others off. They don't follow "the rules" that are made by "them" or "they", instead peace makers shake it all up. He did two things that were not just frowned upon but forbidden. Jesus worked and healed on the sabbath. Because "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." --- what if Jesus had followed the rules? What if Jesus instead bowed down to what the religious believed the way He should treat this man?

What if instead of following Jesus' lead we followed the "rules"? How many lives would be affected. How much death would be growing in our own hearts.

How about instead of worrying about the voices of others, let's break some rules and follow hearts instead of people's ridiculous demands

Monday, October 23, 2017

That's What Hurts

Write hard and clear about what hurts
-Ernest Hemingway

Lack of control.
That’s what hurts.
When we choose to make hard decisions.
Those decisions that no matter the decision, it somehow still feels all sorts of wrong.
And then people will react to your hard decision like you grew ten heads that was going to attack them.
That’s what hurts.

Lack of control.
That’s what hurts.
When a child gets removed from your home.
Placed in kinship.
And then heads back into foster care and you are not the first option.
That’s what hurts.

Lack of control.
That’s what hurts.
When life just keeps happening.
People don’t talk about “life happening” in a joyous way
But in an I’m tired and feel just over it kind of way
The kind where every day feels heavy.
That’s what hurts

Lack of control
That’s what hurts
When I can’t form my children into what I want
Because fear gets to me
And being able to see farther is not a human concept
That’s what hurts

Lack of control
That’s what hurts
When the days are long and the years are short
When I know I’m screwing them up
And I’m terrified for my littles to say
“My family is so screwed up”
Yet we say it


Friday, October 20, 2017

Today is your birthday

Today is your third birthday.
My heart feels heavy.
In your short three years of life you have been in three different homes and will be headed to a fourth. Four different ways of life. Four different sets of people.
I had so much hope that by today we would be celebrating you in our new home. 
That they would have placed you with us.
Because why wouldn't they?
We bonded with you and you bonded with us.
We stayed in contact with you after you were removed from our home.
You still call us mommy and daddy.
But what makes sense to us isn't how children services feels is what is best.
Because we had to make the incredibly hard decision to not say yes to your brother, we are not chosen for your forever.
Instead you will move (that's how it's looking right now) to another new family in the hometown I grew up in.
Literally of all the cities and towns in Ohio, it has to be this one.
I will never stop looking for you when I go
And my heart will break every time knowing you are there and not with us.
My heart will always be an ocean for you Zee baby. 
But I will pray. I will pray for your transition that again is being forced upon you.
I will pray for bonding and love and hard work from the women you will go live with.
I will continue to be praying forever for you.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Part 10

Eventually the adoption worker saw she would not be able to place all four siblings together.
So the plan became the two older would go back to their previous foster home and we were given an ultimatum.
We could adopt Z if we would also adopt her brother.
I will not go into details
but we had to make a really hard decision.
We knew before even talking about it that we could not say yes to him just to get her back.
That is not fair to us, to him, to our children and to our family.
We would not be ultimatum-ed into doing something if we could not give a full yes.
We read his referral. And spoke to his therapist. And had a visit.
We went into this knowing this could very likely be the last time we see our precious baby.
     (people get real up in words -- when I say our baby, yes I know she's not technically in any
      form "ours" but in our hearts she has always been ours)

The weekend was a weekend full of allllll the things, feelings wise.
I felt in turmoil all weekend.

I will not lay out all the details of the decision, because that's ours and his story is his.
But we had to make the hard choice to say no.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Part 9

We had three people who really helped us during this time.
My father in law.
Mother in law.
And Doug's grandma/Nini.

We were getting what usually takes six months done in 3 1/2 weeks.
We ended up sharing our story several times with newbie foster parents.
Gosh, there's something so pure. 
It's not pure ---- it's naive
about newbie foster parents.
We were there once too.
Sat in those classes ready to save the world.

Not only were we trying to get these classes done but we are in the middle of a home renovation. 
To say life was hectic feels very much like an understatement. 

Earlier in the year, after Z left Douglas felt our word was endure.
It wasn't just about living after she left, we also were driving Alex to a private school that was quite far from our previous house.
Once we moved into our new house I thought our season of enduring was over
But, I was obviously wrong thinking that.

It seemed like it was somehow all just beginning. 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Part Eight

On August 29th my best friend, Cassie, came to give Addison doughnuts before school and then we headed to Ikea. There is nothing better than being with your best friend in Ikea on a Tuesday. It's a known thing, that if I go with you to Ikea on a weekend that I really truly love you. But a Tuesday is the best.

I had a great time with Cassie and her kids. I was feeling so light and full from our time together.

And then I got a text that would flip my current plans and expectations.

Her aunt let me know that she would not be adopting Z and the three other siblings living with her. As soon as I read that text I lost it. Like ugly cry lost it. I felt so confused. And immediately ready to do whatever we had to do to get our precious Z baby back into our home.

Our foster care license had closed in July so what were we to do.
We tried to request kinship. Nope. Not doing that.
Then we decided to do the crazy thing.
Be super crazy and start pre service classes again.
See when you let your license go, you have to go back through allllll the pre-service classes.
In Ohio, that's 36 hours of classes.
Our agency worked with us and helped us figure out how quickly we could get those classes done because by the beginning of November was when new placements would need to be finalized.

So we started the classes, we were told right away that there was a very slim chance they would place her back with us, but she's worth it.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Part Seven

Communication started back up.
And I was invited to their home.
I was terrified.
I was honest, how am I supposed to not be mom but be like an aunt. How could I do that.
We started meeting up with all the kids.
I kept encouraging.
Mothers Day just about killed me.
I put on all the brave face I could.
I kept reminding myself how lucky I was with the three kids that I birthed, but she was missing. She wasn't with me.
I sent her aunt a mother's day text because no matter how much I hurt, she was the one caring for Z, she was the one loving her. She was the one dealing with her added trauma.

Every time after a visit my heart fell apart.
Everything hurt.
Everything felt wrong.
And I cried a lot.
This girl, the loss of her was so heavy, but I had to face that this was how life was now. That the time she had with us was special but it was over.

Or was it?