the here + now

"Write drunk; edit sober" -Ernest Hemingway I've never actually attempted this, but tonight I am. I've had my wine and if you know me at all it doesn't take much to get my lightheaded & giggly. I'm truly not a Windau (my maiden name) when it comes to my alcohol consumption. I put my catholic roots to shame. I'm ok with that. I'm not a mean drunk, but a purely giggly & say inappropriate thing drunk. Today stung. It stung hard. Last Tuesday we got a call for a little 5 month old baby. Technically we got a call for 4 boys but for reasons that I will not share, we could only say yes to little guy. And then there was waiting. And more waiting because our agency couldn't find a home for 4 of the little guys, they came from a sibling group of 6. All 6. Boys. That would be headed for permanent custody. In my mind all the things lined up. I had prayed for an orphan. I had been learning about how to bond with a baby in the adoption sens

It's messy. This life thing. I love the internet, mostly too much. I love being able to talk with other moms. To see their beautiful children. To read what's happening in the heart of other mamas. How Jesus is making them brave. To pray for my foster mama friends. But sometimes it gets too much. See I struggle with distraction + discontentment. Those two breed a disaster when you add in the easy always updating social media world. I can hide in it. I can allow the noise of my phone to hide the whispers from my head, heart & from the Lord. I can escape my struggles. But when I escape I lose connection with the people around me who so desperately need me to be present. To show up. To step out of my comfort. Instagram is not bad. Facebook is not bad. But it's not good either. It can be used for bad. But it can also be used for good. It's a tool, but can also become chains.  I don't want to miss a ga

I don't know how to just be with God. I can sit and read a devotion and pray for a few minutes. And then I'm done, but resting with God is just unknown. Distraction is the way of life for me. Take a picture. Post it. Snap it. Tweet it. It's this constant flow of photos and thoughts and information and social injustice. The other day I did my devotions and then was praying. When I was done I felt unsatisfied and thought I'd google it. Google. Really, the god of the internet. Over the God of the universe. I thought for a quick second that google would give me the answers quicker than God. God wasn't moving fast enough and my head is fast paced. It's not just social media. It's not just the internet. I find myself being distracted away from God from good things. Christian podcasts, christian music. Books. Cleaning. Helping others. These are all really good things and have places in our lives. Podcasts are great to speak more life into us but Go