the here + now

I'm linking up with  Lindsay  for.... Every once in awhile the struggle starts. This cloud overhead. The weight. This usually tends to happen when I'm turning less inward and less to HIM. I struggled with depression on and off throughout middle & high school. It continued into my early years of marriage       {by the way whoa! I can say that because we've been married for almost 8 years} It's always been as on and off thing. Then after I had my youngest I got PPD/PPA and it was difficult. It wasn't a come & go thing.  It was a scary thing. But I talked. And talking and talking and talking does help. I got to a point where I was in my bathroom ready to take that whole bottle of oxy to end it all. And I heard my baby screaming, she was hungry. And I heard my twins running around giggling. In that moment God grabbed me tight and said no your babies need you. I'm no expert in dealing with depression. ...

I don't think I could ever express in words what She Reads Truth has done for me. The places it has lead my heart. I am so thankful God placed this ministry on hearts and turned my life right to this place.  But here... I try and explain it A big thanks to Jessi, Kacia, Raechel, Amanda, Sarah & Diana. Thank you for allowing God to work in your lives to make more of Him. Thank you for being honest & real & vulnerable & quiet in your words.

Last night was rough. One of those nights going to bed wondering if I will ever get this life right. Thinking I just don't want to do life right now. Wondering if the endless debating will ever end. And I if I will ever stop letting myself become so invested in it. Going to bed thinking I wish I was more of the woman I like to pretend I am. Wondering how am I going to be an effective foster mom. Wishing I could be more like this person or that person. Feeling an incredible amount of shame and anger and disgust. Words. They destroy. Wishing I could be that wife. That  daughter in law. That mom. That woman. The one who has it all together. But is she even real? Then this morning Addison woke at 4:30 scream crying. It took me so long to fall asleep last night and now this. I thought no amount of coffee will help. But Jesus. No matter how much of a mess up I am. Jesus is always faithful. Especially in my weaknesses {and don...

About 2 weeks ago God was not so gently letting me know He is the ROCK.  It was in my face. Felt like constantly. I wasn't upset, I knew He needed me to get this.  Then last week..... Calls, texts, & messages of people hurting. And I knew I needed to that He is the rock because I needed to pray to the only one who could handle all that was going on with people hurting.  And then Boston. I just couldn't. I couldn't read about it. Or watch anything regarding it. I couldn't look at any pictures. And I definitely had no desire to talk about it. It stressed me out so much. My heart was already so tired from praying for others that I know who are hurting. Hurting bad. I just couldn't deal with it. I didn't even mutter a small prayer for the people until right before bed when He urged me to at least pray a small prayer. I have yet to read one blog regarding the incident. Not one news report. Or scare tactic report. Then...

I was born August 9th, 1985...yes folks, I'm approaching 30 soon. {which I is totally off subject I used to almost have panic attacks about, but now I'm embracing it} Mountain Home, Idaho My heart stopped. My surgeons told my dad don't expect either to live but your baby will be born dead. God had bigger plans. From a young age I always felt this pull towards God. My mom was a single mom of three. I had two younger brothers. I was just like how my Olivia is, little momma. I adored helping care for my brothers, especially my youngest. He is 6 years younger than me and was my baby and will always be so. and now the hard parts of the story.... ....molestation.... ...fear... ....step-father... ...brother being beat... ...bruises... ....hearing my mother being raped.... ...lonliness... ...food... ...starving & purging... ...lying... ...abandonment... ...insecurity... ...cutting... That's her story ---...

{A piece of the story} I will encourage you to forgive. To release it from your grasp. Give it all to God. That you no longer need to hold on to that and to release yourself. But sometimes those words are easier said then done. In my head I know the answers, but in my heart it's a whole different story. That pain that resides in my heart. Confusion. How could someone do that to children? Why did it take you so long to fight for us? To make the choice to finally leave? I have so many questions. I can't seem to fully process this. For so long I have been open to talk about it, yet to actually deal with the issues. I just can't do. How am I suppose to forgive that evil man? And my mother, my own mother. The fact that I can't even forgive her creates all kinds of extra emotions. All I do know right now, is this season, is that God is right there waiting. Just waiting to heal me. To take it all away. To walk me thr...

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5435827/?claim=zbvsje5bdx8">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a> Sometimes I like to share tidbits from a sermon I listen to. This is one I want to share. When we first decided we were not going to get a lawyer or go through a private agency to adopt but foster care, the opposition started. To be honest, and not cover up and thing I was pissed. Yep. No, I'm sorry just plain angry does not convey how I felt. I was hurt. And a bit confused. Isn't it amazing though that God doesn't leave us when opposition does come. With God, my husband and my best friend I was reminded how important this mission is, that this isn't just something to do for the moment, but a mission He planned for us long ago. A mission specific for Doug, me, Olivia, Alex & Addison. Opposition happens. It's not that these people were trying to hurt us with their words. But sometimes if we are not careful we allow Satan to use us. - -...

I've realized something about myself. Something I'm not so happy with but glad I know now. When I'm in the trenches of motherhood. Lets take toddler teething for example..... I will try my hardest. Try from my own strength to manage. To get through it. My strength + coffee. Instead of Jesus + grace. Most times when I am in a battle, the motherhood battle I don't pray.  I don't cry out to Jesus. I put my big girl panties on and seize the moment. Reminding myself I can do this. That I am her mother . That I will miss her this little. When really I should be praying, clinging to God desperately to help me see through the mess. Because at the end of the day, my own strength is completely drained. My big girl panties are just not enough. I must cling to Jesus. Because only HE is enough. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness...

Today is the Influential Women Blog Link up. If you are a part of the Influence Network -- get on it!!! Honestly at first I didn't think I would link up, me, influential?! I don't think so. But I am. God uses me daily and will continue to use me.  - - - - - - - - -  Three Things About Myself: 1. I love Taco Night. If you already know me personally you would know this about me. But seriously I love it! And let me tell you I can put some tacos back. Our best friends and us have actually started Taco Tuesday so on Tuesdays we make tacos. Now we're just at a point of trying to make it a healthier Taco Tuesday. 2. I love music so much. I love to dance. I love to sing. I love to be surrounded by music. If you stop by my house there's a 95% chance you will hear music being played. I love Pandora because I can just put on whatever station for the mood I'm in.  Current favorite Pandora stations: Kari Jobe (I don't think that'll ever change), Jerem...

So this whole analog weekend that The Tiny Twig came up with went perfect. At first I was going to "try" but knew I would fail. Late Friday night I decided I wasn't just going to try, I was going to do it. But of course I could not discontinue pictures. It was wonderful being disconnected...more on that at the end of this post. We have been doing a series at church called 52 days, it's about Nehemiah. Yesterday was about influence. Pastor Joe talked about Jesus' life and how he came into His influence, the steps, anyone should take, especially if you want people to follow Jesus. The video is  HERE  if you want to watch it.  Briefly for those who can't or don't want to watch it these were the steps Joe talked about in regards to Jesus' life: 1. Baptism --- Breath the last breathe of your old life, then have the first breath of new life (Matt 3:13) 2. Braving the wilderness --- ISOLATE. Spend time along with God. You...

I don't want to be in this van with him. Where is my mom? Where is he taking me? I just want my mom. And my brothers, where are they? He smells. I really hate him. Why do I have to be here? I don't know these people. Why are those adult so loud? I'm scared. The other morning the Lord reminded me how it felt. How it felt to be with someone I didn't like. To be taken to a house of people I didn't know. To remember the fear I felt with my mom not being there. And He gently let me know THAT is how foster children feel. {{My experience was not a foster care experience, but a psycho ex stepdad experience}}

When I first saw in an email that Ashley wanted different blogs to talk about lies they've overcome or lies they are working on I immediately emailed her back saying I'd love to. I was pretty pumped that night, I so should have wrote then. But I waited. And then I started feeling overwhelmed. And the lies started. Katie, You are not a writer. You talk all jumbled. Do you really think anyone cares what you have to share. You are not good enough. And this is the lie I am going to share about. This is huge for me. This is probably the most paralyzing lie I feel. This lie causes me to put up my guard with my husband, children, friends, family. This lie reminds me that I never have it all together. This lie hurts. When my kids aren't listening and I'm feeling like I'm talking to the walls -- " you're just not a good enough mom " When I use my tongue to tear my husband down -- " you're just not a good enough wife ...

Because it matters. It matters when it brings joy to others. Encouragement. Conviction. It matters. If we are making more of Him through our messes, mistakes and trials. It matters. 

This shift in life. The goal was the American Dream. To be able to pay all our bills without fear. To have house guests. To buy what we wanted, when we wanted. Somehow that American Dream, it just falls short. I want more than that. More than the fulfilling lie of the American Dream. What I won't lie about is it is great to be able to pay our bills. No more paying this and then we'll pay that next pay check. We are in a sense "there" But my heart no longer cares. My heart wants more. More than the selfishness of the American Dream. There are children dying. Children being forced into sex at the age of 5. Marriages falling apart. Families starving. People feeling so lost, who just long for a hug. I want to love so deeply it hurts. I want to forgive freely. I want to walk in His joy & love & mercy & grace. I want my toxic thoughts out. I want His fullness in.  I want to speak life into others, not my fears or rejection. The pa...

I have a lie I've worked on the past year. This lie doesn't have to be the doubt of the type of wife or mom I am. About whether or not I'm "good enough" This lie was seeded deep down. You are better than her. or him. or them. I grew up in the church. I didn't party. I didn't get drunk on weekends or sleep around. I got married and then had kids. Guess what that lie turns into Judgement. And I was queen of it. I could gossip about anyone and their terrible life. Their terrible mistakes all the while my heart was as cold as stone. I put sins on some human formed scale instead of God's. This past year I've really worked on the growing more. That included focusing on my heart and stop obsessing about the sins other people were doing. I got so wrapped up in how they were sinning and judged others so harshly that I completely lost sight of love. I didn't even understand the word grace. Or mercy. Forgiv...

I broke down crying to my husband. I can't do this for the rest of my life. What I do isn't important. No one cares. I am no awesome baker.  My "decorating" skills are highly lacking. I don't make things with my hands. I don't know how to sew, knit or crochet. I don't home school. I do the same thing day in a day out. Repetitive. What I do doesn't matter. That lie. What I do DOES matter. It matters to....  This girl And this boy And also this girl

......For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.... This is something I feel is vital for my space; my blog. I only want to write out of the overflow of my heart. I also want to point to HIM. And that is why I haven't had anything to write. Because that overflow of my heart has been hurt. I don't want to write in anger.  I don't want to write in frustration, except in my personal journal. But now I write. And guess what it's not an overflow. It's a just beneath the surface. It's just a beginning. That beginning is almost odd to me. This growing would be praying for biological parents. Those parents that have their children taken out of their home. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, drug abuse. I am praying for those parents. As we dig deeper into the foster care process {and by deeper we just finished our second pre-service class for our license} I am gaining this compassion, this softness for biological parents...

Like so many people, I have recently gone to see Les Mis. And like most women cried. But there was on part. This one little part. This part that screamed THIS. This is how I want you to love others. This is what I mean. That little part where the priest said Jean did not steal from him and gave him more. That part. That broke me. And breaks me again as I'm writing this. That's the love Jesus talks about. That this stuff we have doesn't matter -- but helping others, giving out of what He has given us -- that's what matters. That's HIS type of love. Because if I were in that situation, I'll be honest, I'd be livid. Livid, I tell ya. I would cry and push hate and bitterness upon that person Not forgiveness. Not love like Jesus. I would be full of anger. But that part was like a huge heart grinder.  A change of perspective. That definition of Jesus' love I've been searching for. It was refined. I am being changed day by day. His lo...