the here + now

trying to write feels like death. letting it just come feels like breath. but what if i want to improve my writing. all the people say sit and force yourself. i'm not actually a fan of forcing myself to do things i don't feel. so what happens now. force myself to do the thing i'm not feeling. or force myself to do the thing that makes me feel alive somehow. in some weird 2019 way. today i'm feeling all sorts of weird. i'm on a trip with douglas. he works here in cleveland. last week we brought our babies with us. this week its just us. and really just me. because he'll be working all day. and trying to come down from the normal stay at home mom life is weird + hard. because i'm used to having so many things that "need" to be done. a home that reminds me that i'm no joanna gaines. children who are just freaking amazing but also they're selfish human beings. they make messes. they blame others for why they chose to do wha

When I was younger I remember the remarks. "Oh here goes Katie crying again." Over time I started to learned to bite my lip or tongue, take a deep breath. Whatever it took not to let the tears fall. This went deeper when I experienced a deep grief. Losing that baby girl. She was never mine But oh it felt like that. During that time I shamed myself hard for crying months after she was gone. IF I went a few days without crying I felt like I had accomplished something. It's a lie that actually made the grief drag on and a therapist had to help me see how much I needed to go deep with that grief, where instead I just let it continue to simmer on the surface. I still try to hide the crying because all the things can make me cry. Watching someone elses child sing a song, a commercial about an old man passing out chocolate a song a feeling a memory the present a friends hug. I cry. It's been this thing that feels like my biggest weakness. This thin