the here + now

No one is talking about it. What motherhood looks like once your kids get past kindergarten. Because it definitely doesn't get easier. I wouldn't say harder either. Actually yes, in some ways it does. But hello full nights sleep....mostly. What people aren't talking about are things like big feelings for other people and kids throwing your own junk in your face and eye rolling and angsty-ness and hurt feelings and friend conflicts you must avoid getting involved in at all costs and the parents of the friends and teachers who you don't feel are the best fit for your child....... And I feel like that's just the very tip of it. Because my two oldest are eleven, we haven't even hit puberty yet. And I feel like most parents aren't talking about it because they are being good, loyal parents and protecting their kids stories from the world. Kudos to you. But for those of you, who like me, feel like you're floundering in this world of wanting your

This is the part where I tell you, honestly, I went through loss again. The same loss in a way and different yet at the same time. I knew in my head how unlikely Z would come back to us. I really understood in my head, because I know how the system works, but in my heart she's my daughter, in my heart she belongs with us. But that's not how things played out. Instead she is with a couple from my home town. I imagined squeezing an extra bed in Addison's room. I imagined re-figuring my life to adjust to a three year old again. But instead I walk around pretty fragile. This time is different though. A year ago I tried so damn hard to speed up the grieving process. I felt so guilty when I couldn't hold it together for my family. And I felt so guilty when seeing toddlers was just too much for me. I just felt so much guilt for the hurt I was enduring. This time, I'm processing healthier. I have a husband + community of women who are speaking life into me, who are giving m