the here + now

I keep trying to see the good in this. Knowing that God takes these things and makes us stronger or gives us new direction. I hurt so much last night I begged God to give me a new dream or vision so I could stop thinking about her. I try to make it seem ok. I no longer have to buckle a child in a rear facing car seat, but my heart drops for a quick moment almost every time I'm in the car feeling like I forgot her, but she's just not here. I no longer have a messy high chair and food thrown all over the floor and I go to bed with a clean kitchen. I try to stop bitching to people about how much I miss her. I'm really trying. But how in the hell do you go on. How do you have so much of your heart walking around without you. Our hearts were so intertwined that I'm not longer me without her. I'm this new, fractured, partial self of who I once was. Sometimes the heat fills up in my eyes and I feel like my breathe is being stolen away from my lungs. So I force