Monday, December 19, 2016

Grieving the loss of a child that is very much alive

I keep trying to see the good in this.
Knowing that God takes these things and makes us stronger or gives us new direction.
I hurt so much last night I begged God to give me a new dream or vision so I could stop thinking about her.
I try to make it seem ok.
I no longer have to buckle a child in a rear facing car seat, but my heart drops for a quick moment almost every time I'm in the car feeling like I forgot her, but she's just not here.
I no longer have a messy high chair and food thrown all over the floor and I go to bed with a clean kitchen.
I try to stop bitching to people about how much I miss her.
I'm really trying.
But how in the hell do you go on.
How do you have so much of your heart walking around without you.
Our hearts were so intertwined that I'm not longer me without her.
I'm this new, fractured, partial self of who I once was.
Sometimes the heat fills up in my eyes and I feel like my breathe is being stolen away from my lungs.
So I force myself to remember how she felt in my arms.
How she would say "mama"
How she would do her silly screaming thing running all around the house like the little wild lady she is.
My house is cleaner.
     {Disclaimer: my house will never be clean clean, because I'm just not that woman, but it's definitely cleaner than what it has been the past year}
So....
My house is cleaner.
My arms are lighter
and I'm so much sadder.

I am walking through this life right now grieving the loss of a child that is very much alive.
So much grieving.

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