Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Difficulty in Forgiveness

{A piece of the story}


I will encourage you to forgive.
To release it from your grasp.
Give it all to God.
That you no longer need to hold on to that and to release yourself.

But sometimes those words are easier said then done.
In my head I know the answers, but in my heart it's a whole different story.

That pain that resides in my heart.
Confusion.
How could someone do that to children?
Why did it take you so long to fight for us? To make the choice to finally leave?

I have so many questions.
I can't seem to fully process this.

For so long I have been open to talk about it, yet to actually deal with the issues.
I just can't do.
How am I suppose to forgive that evil man?
And my mother, my own mother.

The fact that I can't even forgive her creates all kinds of extra emotions.

All I do know right now, is this season,
is that God is right there waiting.
Just waiting to heal me.
To take it all away.
To walk me through forgiving him & my momma.
To take those scars and walk through it all with me.
I know He is big enough to handle all my thoughts and my yuckiness, the hurts, the bitterness.....
I know He is the ONLY one who can take my heart and make it new.

But for now.
I still hold on.
I can't loosen my grip.
I'm still trying to deal with the reality of those 5 years. 
I'm trying to remember good times in that part of my childhood.
I'm trying to allow those dark parts to be opened so that I can fully deal with them.

- - - - - 
As I do.
I will continue to struggle.
I will continue to wrestle with God.

But I know....without a shadow of a doubt 
He isn't leaving my side throughout this.
That even though I am still holding on, He is gently pulling my hands away.




6 comments:

  1. Hey girl, your post really touched my heart in many ways. I had an extremely bad childhood as well, and I am sure experienced some of the same things you are feeling. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to email me! I would love to be an ear to listen or offer any encouragement/advice!

    alessandraferguson.blogspot.com

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  2. oh wow. katie, this is rough. i struggle with forgiveness as well. my past was bumpy. i've always struggled with the idea that even God wants to forgive... I can't give mercy and I have an incredibly hard time receiving it. Satan is good at what he does. his ways are so layered... tricky... thick with deceit. man, wish i could hug you now! have you read "UNBOUND" ??? http://thelilyfield.blogspot.com/2013/02/unbound.html - this is my post on the book. HIGHLY recommend it!! It helped me so much... with letting go... and moving on! SO excited to get to know you better this fall!!! I think we are roommates for a reason :-) God knows!!! XO

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    1. Yes, it is amazing how God works in putting things together in our lives.

      And those walls -- yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I think I need to buy that book!

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  3. Such a beautiful post, Katie. I can so relate, I have felt God wanting to wander back into my past and reveal to me the wounds that I have been pushing away. I know He wants to do this so that He can heal me, but I simply can't wrap my mind around it. There is so much of me fighting it, and I know that's why I continue to struggle. Praying for you in your journey!! Thankful that our God is such a good, patient and loving Father.

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  4. Love this Katie... I needed this right now! Thank you.. I also have trouble with completely forgiving and letting go of the bad in my childhood. It's really hard not to be bitter and ask so many ?'s like how could someone put their own child through that. Miss you!

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    1. I feel like it's been harder since becoming a mom, do you feel the same? Miss you too!! I hope school is going well for you!

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