the here + now

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I ma the light of the world." Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with saliva and put it on the man's eyes. "Go," he told him, "wash in the the Pool of Siloam." So the man went and washed and came home seeing. Sometimes we look at Jesus as just this sweet man who took the task of going to the cross for us, but it's so much more. Here Jesus is not acting as a peace-keeper, but a peace-maker. He was making peace in this man's life and showing His disciples that we don't walk around carrying our sin...

“ Write hard and clear about what hurts ” -Ernest Hemingway Lack of control. That’s what hurts. When we choose to make hard decisions. Those decisions that no matter the decision, it somehow still feels all sorts of wrong. And then people will react to your hard decision like you grew ten heads that was going to attack them. That’s what hurts. Lack of control. That’s what hurts. When a child gets removed from your home. Placed in kinship. And then heads back into foster care and you are not the first option. That’s what hurts. Lack of control. That’s what hurts. When life just keeps happening. People don’t talk about “life happening” in a joyous way But in an I’m tired and feel just over it kind of way The kind where every day feels heavy. That’s what hurts Lack of control That’s what hurts When I can’t form my children into what I want Because fear gets to me And being able to see farther is not a human concept That’s what...

Today is your third birthday. My heart feels heavy. In your short three years of life you have been in three different homes and will be headed to a fourth. Four different ways of life. Four different sets of people. I had so much hope that by today we would be celebrating you in our new home.  That they would have placed you with us. Because why wouldn't they? We bonded with you and you bonded with us. We stayed in contact with you after you were removed from our home. You still call us mommy and daddy. But what makes sense to us isn't how children services feels is what is best. Because we had to make the incredibly hard decision to not say yes to your brother, we are not chosen for your forever. Instead you will move (that's how it's looking right now) to another new family in the hometown I grew up in. Literally of all the cities and towns in Ohio, it has to be this one. I will never stop looking for you when I go And my heart will break e...

Eventually the adoption worker saw she would not be able to place all four siblings together. So the plan became the two older would go back to their previous foster home and we were given an ultimatum. We could adopt Z if we would also adopt her brother. I will not go into details but we had to make a really hard decision. We knew before even talking about it that we could not say yes to him just to get her back. That is not fair to us, to him, to our children and to our family. We would not be ultimatum-ed into doing something if we could not give a full yes. We read his referral. And spoke to his therapist. And had a visit. We went into this knowing this could very likely be the last time we see our precious baby.      (people get real up in words -- when I say our baby, yes I know she's not technically in any       form "ours" but in our hearts she has always been ours) The weekend was a weekend full of allllll the things, feelings wise. I...

We had three people who really helped us during this time. My father in law. Mother in law. And Doug's grandma/Nini. We were getting what usually takes six months done in 3 1/2 weeks. We ended up sharing our story several times with newbie foster parents. Gosh, there's something so pure.  Nope. It's not pure ---- it's naive about newbie foster parents. We were there once too. Sat in those classes ready to save the world. Not only were we trying to get these classes done but we are in the middle of a home renovation.  To say life was hectic feels very much like an understatement.  Earlier in the year, after Z left Douglas felt our word was endure. It wasn't just about living after she left, we also were driving Alex to a private school that was quite far from our previous house. Once we moved into our new house I thought our season of enduring was over But, I was obviously wrong thinking that. It seemed like it was somehow a...

On August 29th my best friend, Cassie, came to give Addison doughnuts before school and then we headed to Ikea. There is nothing better than being with your best friend in Ikea on a Tuesday. It's a known thing, that if I go with you to Ikea on a weekend that I really truly love you. But a Tuesday is the best. I had a great time with Cassie and her kids. I was feeling so light and full from our time together. And then I got a text that would flip my current plans and expectations. Her aunt let me know that she would not be adopting Z and the three other siblings living with her. As soon as I read that text I lost it. Like ugly cry lost it. I felt so confused. And immediately ready to do whatever we had to do to get our precious Z baby back into our home. Our foster care license had closed in July so what were we to do. We tried to request kinship. Nope. Not doing that. Then we decided to do the crazy thing. Be super crazy and start pre service classes again. See when you...

Communication started back up. And I was invited to their home. I was terrified. I was honest, how am I supposed to not be mom but be like an aunt. How could I do that. We started meeting up with all the kids. I kept encouraging. Mothers Day just about killed me. I put on all the brave face I could. I kept reminding myself how lucky I was with the three kids that I birthed, but she was missing. She wasn't with me. I sent her aunt a mother's day text because no matter how much I hurt, she was the one caring for Z, she was the one loving her. She was the one dealing with her added trauma. Every time after a visit my heart fell apart. Everything hurt. Everything felt wrong. And I cried a lot. This girl, the loss of her was so heavy, but I had to face that this was how life was now. That the time she had with us was special but it was over. Or was it?