Thursday, August 30, 2012

The weight of lying

Yes. I lie.
This is how my lie goes.

{Pre-Lie : I get my feelings hurt, I stuff}

Person who hurt my feelings: Are you ok?
Me: Yes, I'm fine.


Sometimes it goes further.
Person: Did I hurt your feelings when I said/did this?
Me: No, that's silly.


Person: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, don't even worry about it.


If you read my last post you know I have been reading Unglued [Making Wise Choices In The Midst of Raw Emotions]  by Lysa TerKeurst. While I knew lying was wrong. A sin. I just shoved it off as not causing conflict would be better..... not letting someone feel guilty was better.... but in fact it is lying. And it doesn't just hurt the person I'm lying to but it hurts me. Deeply. And then it just starts to put a wedge in that relationship and with every "I'm fine" lie the wedge becomes bigger and bigger.

And maybe that is why I feel so lonely.
Maybe that is why I don't really have meaningful connections with people.
Maybe that is all the stress, anxiety and total sadness I feel in regards to "friends"

I for some reason cannot be honest with my feelings.
I have always justified it as not wanting to hurt that person, not wanting to cause tension or conflict, not wanting the person or people feel obligated to be my friend.

I have told my husband over and over how I can't force anyone to want to be my friend. 

And while this is still true.

I can try to not lie.
I can learn to tell the truth of my feelings with godly integrity.
Learning that I feel will definitely take me some time.

So please understand I need grace as much as the next person.

I am a big mess.

But I am thankful for God's grace and faithfulness that He never gives up on me and will keep chiseling away the rough parts.

You are never too big of a mess for God to redeem and nothing is beyond His ability to restore - Joyce Meyer

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