Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The weight of who I am and who I want to be

My heart has been struggling lately.
The negativity that creeps up.
A spirit of offense.
The whole "good enough" thing that seems to plague my mind all.the.time.
Not being a thorn in my husband's side but a helpmate while fighting for me. Why, I have no idea why I have that need.
The frustration of not being content, joyful and peaceful with my place right now as a stay at home.

The wanting to be more joyful.
The wanting for the love of Jesus to flow through every particle that I am.
The way I want to help others.
My heart is dying for friendships. Real.
Yet when anyone gets too close I push them away.
For some reason friendship, no matter how desperate I am for it, apparently scares me.
Real relationships make me push people away including my own husband.

I started reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. If you have not had the chance to read it I highly encourage you to pick it up at the bookstore, get it on your kindle, borrow it from a doesn't matter but YOU need to read it!! Like most people I dealt with some scary struggles as a little girl. Touched before I should have been touched. Made to feel low and unimportant. This book. Let me tell you. My struggles were no where near as bad as "Angel's" struggles but yet I find myself so much in her.

The fights in my head. Don't open up. Keep guarded. Hide. Run away.

And so here I am. Constantly fighting. Fighting in my head. I get so caught up in my head. I feel like that's the biggest barrier with my relationship with God. Instead of praying I get too caught up with the thoughts that run rampant in my head.

I want to live real. I want to love like Jesus. I want to serve others. I want real relationships. I don't want people telling me what I want to hear, but what I need to hear.

I want to stop living in fear.

Last Wednesday while doing my #shereadstruth devotional this verse stuck out to me in a mighty way:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I keep going back to it. Trying to remind myself to be joyful, to pray continually instead of being so stuck in my head worrying about things when God tells me not to be anxious about ANYTHING but to bring it to Him {Philippians 4:6 my all time favorite verse}

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