Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I said no

Because I have yet to write about it. The truth is our first placement rocked me to the core. It ruined me in a scary yet beautiful way. I learned how quickly I could fall in love with two children that I could not help. I learned how much Doug and I truly love each other. I learned to really tune into Alex, Olivia & Addison. I learned the absolute heartache of disruption, but the most important lesson I learned is how God has everything under control. Whenever I think of our first placement, I think of Romans 8:28. 

Our agency gave us a break. They wouldn't call for placements. We were told most would have given up completely. Doug and I kept reassuring them to bring it on. You know sometimes people are so smart and know better than I do. We kept waiting for calls while living life. We have had two respit weekends that showed up how un-chaotic, yet still how exhausting it can be.

And then we finally got a real placement call. And I froze. I couldn't say yes. The fear I had bottled up overflowed. I talked to one of the amazing women from my agency about how scared I was, I am.

In the deep of my heart I'm still saying yes. On the surface, where my fear lingers I cry out no, I can't do this. 

Thankfully God placed that YES deeper in my heart. I said no. I said no to children who needed a place to go. It kills me now. I hate that I let fear take over. 

But I completely believe and know God is still at work in my heart. We are not done. We are growing.

1 comment:

  1. You did the right thing. One child will not take the place of another, and if you arn't ready, the new children will suffer, you will suffer.

    Praying for healing of your heart. I've been there. I know that pain. You will get there.