Because I have yet to write about it. The truth is our first placement rocked me to the core. It ruined me in a scary yet beautiful way. I learned how quickly I could fall in love with two children that I could not help. I learned how much Doug and I truly love each other. I learned to really tune into Alex, Olivia & Addison. I learned the absolute heartache of disruption, but the most important lesson I learned is how God has everything under control. Whenever I think of our first placement, I think of Romans 8:28.
Our agency gave us a break. They wouldn't call for placements. We were told most would have given up completely. Doug and I kept reassuring them to bring it on. You know sometimes people are so smart and know better than I do. We kept waiting for calls while living life. We have had two respit weekends that showed up how un-chaotic, yet still how exhausting it can be.
And then we finally got a real placement call. And I froze. I couldn't say yes. The fear I had bottled up overflowed. I talked to one of the amazing women from my agency about how scared I was, I am.
In the deep of my heart I'm still saying yes. On the surface, where my fear lingers I cry out no, I can't do this.
Thankfully God placed that YES deeper in my heart. I said no. I said no to children who needed a place to go. It kills me now. I hate that I let fear take over.
But I completely believe and know God is still at work in my heart. We are not done. We are growing.