...it....

When I finally decided to take a social media break I expected things to happen. I expected to be more present with my husband & children, to compare less, to be less exhausted. I expected big things like to get it, whatever it is or was or might be, I don't know. As I started my journey I picked up the book Hands Free Mama and it really opened my eyes to my distractions. How choosing the cleaning & checking the number of instagram likes & watching a show I love where things I was choosing over the people in my life. I began to actively choose them over all the other things. It made sense, it makes sense. 

But that wasn't the it I was expecting. It was part of the it puzzle, but not the big part I felt like I was missing. That big part had or maybe has to do with God.

I haven't reached the it part, instead all my yuck has surfaced. The stuff that I would normally stuff away. The feelings of jealously, and bitterness. Hurts and anger. The confusion. The anxiety, whoosh, I see it. I'm a mess. 

Also during this time I felt called to start reading Jeremiah. Jeremiah? Really God? Talk about a depressing book. 

But I was lead to this:

"How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The Lord will create a new thing on earth."

I wander. My heart wanders. Maybe these things God has lead me to aren't actually good, because they hurt & make me exhausted & leave me confused at times why I'm where I am. I wander when I choose yuck over going to Him. I wander when I'm so overwhelmed I want to throw my hands in the air & say "I'm done."

But....there's a promise....HE is creating a new thing...in me. In this messy, yucky, anxiety ridden heart, He is creating a new thing. 

Taking a break from social media hasn't made me good, it's made me open my eyes to the yuck & to remember that He is good.