Thursday, August 16, 2012

The weight of waiting

Waiting to adopt.
We've always known we wanted to adopt.
When I was younger I was all about adopting from Haiti.
After Doug and I got married we talked about adopting, what 20 year olds pregnant with twins talk about adopting?! Oh yes that would be our crazy butts.
After having the twins life was well...busy, Doug was finishing school. We moved to Arizona.
While in Arizona we thought we'd have no more kids.
And then the longing came.
With that I discovered the reason for all my womanly pain.
I never understood why sex hurt so bad.
Until the endometriosis and large cyst was discovered.
And then I was told there was a very high chance I would not get pregnant.
I thought maybe that's why I was blessed with twins, because Alex and Olivia would be our only children.
A month after my surgery I got pregnant.
After being pregnant with Addison I had the essure procedure done.
I can no longer house babies.
And the itch for adopting came again.
Doug and I casually talked about it.
Then one day after church we're in the car talking about nothing important and he says
"We're suppose to adopt."
Heck yes we are!!!
I loved hearing that.
So I did what any other crazy momma would do - I got to researching.
I was reading as many blogs as I could on adoption.
We had talked about adopting in the US. That's just where we felt called.
And then it was not a baby.
And has turned into older children.

Then the plan stopped.
No, it didn't stop.

We decided to make the better decision to wait until all our debt was paid off, at least all our student loans. So we are now on a budget. To be honest, it is difficult. Being on a budget is not fun. But in doing this we will take paying off our loans from 25 years to 3 years. What a difference!

So we are waiting on adopting.

And it kills us.
Thinking about the child or children we that will be our children, our family.
Thinking about if they are safe.
If they had a meal today.

That kills us.
Seeing and hearing my husband hurt for our future kids breaks me to the core.
Waiting is not easy.
Waiting is torture to our emotions and thoughts.

For now we pray. We pray for our littles. I pray they are safe. They are fed. They are receiving love, genuine true love from someone.

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