Wednesday, August 2, 2017

To grieve the loss of a child that is very much alive

The week leading up to Z coming to live with us God had lead me to read the book of Zechariah (if I felt comfortable sharing her whole name this would be even more *woah*) Zechariah is one of the minor prophets towards the end of the Old Testament. The book of Zechariah is about grace and redemption. The day she came to us, the verse that popped out to me was:

This is what the Lord Almighty says, "Administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow of the fatherless, the alien of the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other."    -Zechariah 7:9

Z came late that day. It was just before midnight on December 9th, 2015. When the working called us regarding Z, the did not say her name correctly and also told us she was a boy. When they were on their way I expected a chubby, stumbling around toddler boy, instead a worker walked into my house carrying a pumpkin seat with a pink and black felt blanket draped over her. I was completely surprised. The lady pulled the blanket off and I saw her tiny little brown face. So beautiful. She looked like an angel (don't they all when they're sleeping). I was dying to hold her.

When the lady finally pulled her out of the seat and placed her in my arms, everything I knew shattered. We've had plenty of children walk into our home. Nephews, friends kids, neighbors, respite and children who were placed in our home for protection. Every child that steps into our home is valued. I remember when the teen mom walked in, within my spirit was 'you will have to fight for her' but with Z it was different. For days while we sat in the unknown I prayed and prayed for her mama. I also had to keep reminding my heart that she wasn't staying. Because it was love at first sight --- and my heart refused to listen to reason.

Weeks later (this is foster care) we found out she would be staying for 6-12 months. With more information that came out, I started praying for her mama, for her heart, but also for justice for Z and her older siblings.

Z has a way of making peoples hard walls to come crashing down. She was causing all those around us to fall madly in love with her.

Around March-May of '16 talks about adoption started and by July we were told we would be referred to be the adoptive parents. In our hearts she was our daughter, next was just to make it legal. But, per usual, in foster care, things changed and by September, I was terrified I was losing my baby girl.

It didn't take long and by November 23rd we said our goodbye.

I tried to do the love tight, but hold on loosely.
Is that even possible?!!!

I didn't understand --- none of it made sense. I knew in my heart she was my daughter and now she was gone. I realized I had to start to grieve the loss of a child that was very much alive.

I was so mad at God and kept asking what about redemption and justice, because of course, my heart went right back to that verse from the day she came to us.

And what I came to find out ---- She did receive justice and redemption. Just not the way I wanted it to happen. Nothing can ever take away the love I felt and will always feel for that girl. But today she is with an aunt who loves her. And she will have her forever family.

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