A little over a year ago I was busted.
All the hurt, the pain and everything that I tried to navigate on my own came unhinged.
A few words from someone that verified what I had feared all my life,
That I was not wanted.
And suddenly I was spiraling.
My pieces were scattered all over the floor
And this time, no matter how he tried, Douglas could not try and pick them up and place them back together.
Douglas was working with a woman that is a licensed therapist and he reached out to her for contacts.
For years we talked about my need for counseling, but there were two major excuses, money + time.
It no longer mattered.
I still tried to say the excuses but at this point those were beyond lame and the need was far greater than the excuses.
And then one day I drove 15 minutes down 71 and to a little white office and waited to talk to a woman I had never met.
And we talked. And the next week we talked. And the following.
Suddenly things were getting really hard.
God was busting up so much.
I had heard about the pruning but never really walked it out.
Here I was in the middle.
Pruning + therapy + everything being busted up makes things really hard.
I started wondering if being his wife and their mom was any longer worth it.
Because sometimes to get to the good, the shit has to come out.
And the shit came out.
Then suddenly, things were happening.
I was finding healing + freedom from some hard relationships and hard memories and that hard loss of that sweet little baby.
While going through counseling and change and growth we also discovered my depression.
And then came the little green pill.
I was sick at the thought of possibly needing to take medicine because of all the junk around medicine with mental health.
Douglas went with me to the doctor.
We talked about what happens.
And then we talked about options.
The thing that changed my perspective is when she told me that most women will choose birth control over and anti-depressant because of the stigma.
That was the point I said no.
I will take the damn anti-depressant because I don't need to live in shame.
Because a few days a month I need to take a little green pill so that I don't spend days contemplating how to kill myself.
I take that little green pill because I would rather thrive than be filled with obsessive thoughts of how to end this wife and mother.
And because if I can choose to live brave + in freedom then maybe another woman can choose to also.
I know who my ultimate healer is
I know I won't be on this forever.
But for now I'm super thankful for therapy and that little green pill.
All the hurt, the pain and everything that I tried to navigate on my own came unhinged.
A few words from someone that verified what I had feared all my life,
That I was not wanted.
And suddenly I was spiraling.
My pieces were scattered all over the floor
And this time, no matter how he tried, Douglas could not try and pick them up and place them back together.
Douglas was working with a woman that is a licensed therapist and he reached out to her for contacts.
For years we talked about my need for counseling, but there were two major excuses, money + time.
It no longer mattered.
I still tried to say the excuses but at this point those were beyond lame and the need was far greater than the excuses.
And then one day I drove 15 minutes down 71 and to a little white office and waited to talk to a woman I had never met.
And we talked. And the next week we talked. And the following.
Suddenly things were getting really hard.
God was busting up so much.
I had heard about the pruning but never really walked it out.
Here I was in the middle.
Pruning + therapy + everything being busted up makes things really hard.
I started wondering if being his wife and their mom was any longer worth it.
Because sometimes to get to the good, the shit has to come out.
And the shit came out.
Then suddenly, things were happening.
I was finding healing + freedom from some hard relationships and hard memories and that hard loss of that sweet little baby.
While going through counseling and change and growth we also discovered my depression.
And then came the little green pill.
I was sick at the thought of possibly needing to take medicine because of all the junk around medicine with mental health.
Douglas went with me to the doctor.
We talked about what happens.
And then we talked about options.
The thing that changed my perspective is when she told me that most women will choose birth control over and anti-depressant because of the stigma.
That was the point I said no.
I will take the damn anti-depressant because I don't need to live in shame.
Because a few days a month I need to take a little green pill so that I don't spend days contemplating how to kill myself.
I take that little green pill because I would rather thrive than be filled with obsessive thoughts of how to end this wife and mother.
And because if I can choose to live brave + in freedom then maybe another woman can choose to also.
I know who my ultimate healer is
I know I won't be on this forever.
But for now I'm super thankful for therapy and that little green pill.
Comments
Post a Comment