the here + now

For 2014 my word was JOY. Along with joy was the verse "The joy of the Lord is my strength" Throughout the year I learned a lot about joy. It's not easy. It's a choice to choose it. But what I really learned is what that verse means. It doesn't mean that I will suddenly have joy and then have strength, but God's joy, not mine, HIS will give me strength. And it has. Choosing to be joyful is tough for me. Sometimes I forget life doesn't have to be so serious. Right before Christmas we received this little gift from our foster daughter More & more I don't believe in coincidence, but in seeing God's hand in the little & big things. Good bye 2014. 

We have skipped the advent craziness this year. No we haven't skipped celebrating Jesus. The past 3 years I have days planned out, those things that kinda make moms heads explode yet fill them up because of the joy on their kiddos faces. This year we skipped. Because sometimes holidays are hard. Having to celebrate when all a child wants for Christmas is to be back home with mom means we can't put it in their faces daily. So we're taking a break from the everyday & just letting this month go as it may. We're listening to Christmas music & watching Christmas movies. We decorated. We're not missing a beat. But I knew this year, I had to step back. Heartbreak with children is such a tricky thing. Holidays are brutal. Hope is still alive.

Thankful for .... yogurt tubes, I buy the kroger brand and throw them in the freezer, such a nice pretend ice cream treat in the evenings after the kids go to bed Watching --- Scorpion, a new show hubby & I have found and LOVE Listening to --- Christmas music (duh!!!), podcasts by Jamie Ivey, Steven Furtick or re-listening to service from my own church or Taylor Swift  Writing --- a whole lot of nothing. I have even fallen out of scripture doodling & realized my chalkboard really likes when I practice more Stressing over --- This whole being a foster parent thing, some days I worry I'm not helping in the healing. What am I really doing here? And other days I'm just praying I'm helping out & then we have days that it seems we've all melted into this messy little mix Working on --- my weight. At it again. I guess you could say this also stresses me out. It's a battle. Daily.  Praying about --- my children. And how to handle...

We sat in the school office, parents rushing in signing in the kids running late. Addison was very interested in the globe, we talked about where dad travels to in regards to where we live. My stomach was churning. Hands sweaty. Purposefully not looking my husband in the eyes as we waited. Then the school counselor came out to get us. Walking into the room, all I could think is "you're a bad mom, you would not be here if it weren't so, you should have done more, you need to be better" I sat down at the table, with my husband to my right & our "awww she's so cute" toddler behind us. These people weren't here to tell me about my bad parenting or remind me of my lack of everything that makes a woman a good mother. Instead 6 women sat in this conference room with us . Fighting with us for our boy. His teacher has been an angel, fighting for this meeting. And all the other women with her brainstorming how to best help my son. Kristi fro...